I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
