I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
