my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
zippers are such a cool invention
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
