I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
