Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is classic penis vs brain.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
