The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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