Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
