every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
