Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
