I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
