Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
