we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize