The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
