mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
