I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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