i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
