upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
