I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
