i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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