so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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