Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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