i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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