His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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