my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
