I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize