I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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