he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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