I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
