Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
