Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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