GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize