There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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