just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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