im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
