bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ketchup is God's man juice
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
