I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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