people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
