When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
