There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
