She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
