it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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