who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
