I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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