i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
