My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
