guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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