You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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