Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
