After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
