I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
