i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
