This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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