i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
