zippers are such a cool invention
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
