I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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