I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
