I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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