Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
