please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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