i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
