so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
