i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
