Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
