He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
