Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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